Lent Champions

I was talking to some of my friends on campus the other day, and they brought up Lent and what they were going to give up for 40 days. A lot of them were good sacrifices like soda and fastfood. I would say that this one is a decent choice because it is so hard to be a college student and not eat and drink these things. Another decided to give up all desserts for 40 days.

While these seemed like good ideas of things to sacrifice, I would like to share a story of a couple who made the greatest sacrifice I have ever known during Lent.

I was working at Subway last year at this time, and a couple walked into the store. They seemed a little disheartened as they ordered their sandwiches. Just because there was no one in the store other than them--and I was bored--I asked them why they were so upset. They then told me that they were upset because they hadn't eaten our flatbread in days and that they wouldn't be able to eat it for another week or so for Lent. Immediately I thought, "Really guys? For 40 days of giving up an item for penance, you chose Subway's flatbread?" I wonder what God's reaction to their sacrifice was.
I think it went something like this...
God was sifting through his list of Lent sacrifices, going from the person who gave up alcohol when he stopped on an impressive couple.
"Saint Peter!!!!", He called. "This couple decided to give up Subway's flatbread for Lent. Grab a golden star out of the desk and put it near their names in the book of life!" Yes, that's exactly how it went.

Leash Kids and the Future of Child Rearing

I was in the mall one day, and I thought that I saw a lady walking around the mall with a dog on a leash. At first, i was wondering when the mall allowed pets in, but as I walked closer I noticed that it wasn't a dog at all; it was her child. After the my first sighting of a tether kid, I began to see more and more of these kids when I went out to public places.

My question is why would a parent tether their child with a harness when they could just hold their hand like the old days? However, parents who buy these tether harnesses are funding the companies who make them, which in turn is allowing them to produce even better child safety products that help parents ease the pain of child rearing. Next month, a company is releasing the "Shocking Love" electric play fence for toddlers. The fence will shock your toddler with wonderful love every time he touches the walls or tries to go over or around them.

Another company is releasing a product named "Kiddies." The product is a small, green, edible bone that cleans the child's teeth upon chewing. No more having to spend time with your child by having to help him brush his teeth. And to think, none of these fantastic advances could be possible without the child tethering harness or child leash.

Terrible Cliches: There Must Be Something in the Water

To begin, I must admit that cliches, generally, are annoying. I can't stand when someone uses one of these stock phrases to take up time and their breath. The following is a rant about one such cliche. I was at work the other day with two pregnant girls on the shift with me. A customer came through the line, noticing the protruding bellies of my two co-workers, and made the remark "There must be something in the water, huh?" I gave him a forced and fake laugh, and he left. But, then I really thought about exactly what he had said. What could possibly be in the water that is making women pregnant here? Seeing that there is only one thing that makes women pregnant, I wondered if he knew that his cliche use suggested that semen was in the water at Subway. Really dude. You think there is semen in the water at Subway?

Which makes me now remember that my coworkers were walking on there hands a few months ago, holding a cup with one of their feet, and pouring our water in their vagina. So, Mr. Subway Customer, you are right in thinking that there is something in the water.

How to Tell When Your Relationship is Turning into a Relationshit

Some people think that it is endearing and "cute" for a couple to sit on the same side of a booth or table at a restaurant. They look at them and immediately think "Awwww, they just want to be closer to their significant other." However, this is a clear sign of a relationshit.

This is what really happens in boothsharing. Person A asks person B if he can sit on the same side of the booth as person B. Person B thinks, "Awww, they just want to be close to me because they love me blah blah blah blah." WRONG. Not only is he tired of having to nod his head and act interested when listening to her stories, Person A is sick and tired of looking at Person B's face to the point that he will surely projectile vomit his food all over the floor, creating a putrid slip N' slide of grossity, if he has to eat while looking at her.

So remember, next time your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to share a booth with you, you have began the transition from relationship to relationshit.