Update

This post isn't one of my normal observations. For this one, I wanted to talk about an experience that happened this week that had a profound effect on my life. On Wednesday, I was a contestant for a male beauty pageant, ZTA's Big Man on Campus. I decided to do some standup for my talents, and I was super nervous before the show. Normally, I can handle being in front of a crowd and being the center of attention. However, this was different. I was afraid that I would forget my set list and that I would get heckled.

I practiced and practiced because of these fears, and I got up on the stage and performed it perfectly. Everybody loved it. The moral of this story is that I feel like another chapter has started writing itself in my life. Before the pageant, my friends and acquaintances would tell me I should do standup comedy, but I always doubted myself. Now that I've done it, and was met with success, I think I'll try to write my own stuff and perform it on the side. Maybe I'll be successful; maybe I won't. But, there's no telling where it may lead me.

Moving Like Moses

You've all been there. You are walking along an aisle at a a grocery store or through a hallway with a purpose, and someone walks out in front of you. That wouldn't be a bad thing, normally. But, this person who has cut you off walks at the speed of smell, and now you have to slow your steps so that it looks like you are in slowmo.

I think that this is one of the most awkward situations to be in. You don't want to be rude and just blow by them--mostly because you don't have enough room on either side of them to do this; therefore, you try to make it look normal and casual by looking around or pulling out your phone, not to text or call but to stare at the blank screen. It's one of the most used techniques for this kind of situation.

Because of the above situation, I am backing a bill that is in congress right now that will require supermarkets, grocery stores, retail shops, etc. to have a minimum speed limit posted throughout their stores. Think about all the awkward situations and wasted time that will be avoided if this passes...but really, don't slow everyone else up in an aisle or hallway; it's a douche move.

A License to be a Tool

Vanity license plates have been around for a while, and they are becoming more and more popular. I mean, why wouldn't you want to pay a shload of money to define yourself to other drivers in the seven characters on the back or front of your car? Vanity license plates are just like having a Myspace these days; you think you're cool for having one, but, in reality, you are just a tool.

I was walking to my car in a parking garage the other day and noticed a car tag that said "BAD 81." I immediately thought that the driver was a geriatric with a bad attitude. He is just trying to warn the other drivers about how bad he is and that he will rough them up with the sharpened sticks that are on his walker. So if you are thinking of purchasing a vanity license plate, don't be "that guy," or, better yet, don't get one at all. No one likes a tool, except maybe a carpenter or a mechanic.

Lent Champions

I was talking to some of my friends on campus the other day, and they brought up Lent and what they were going to give up for 40 days. A lot of them were good sacrifices like soda and fastfood. I would say that this one is a decent choice because it is so hard to be a college student and not eat and drink these things. Another decided to give up all desserts for 40 days.

While these seemed like good ideas of things to sacrifice, I would like to share a story of a couple who made the greatest sacrifice I have ever known during Lent.

I was working at Subway last year at this time, and a couple walked into the store. They seemed a little disheartened as they ordered their sandwiches. Just because there was no one in the store other than them--and I was bored--I asked them why they were so upset. They then told me that they were upset because they hadn't eaten our flatbread in days and that they wouldn't be able to eat it for another week or so for Lent. Immediately I thought, "Really guys? For 40 days of giving up an item for penance, you chose Subway's flatbread?" I wonder what God's reaction to their sacrifice was.
I think it went something like this...
God was sifting through his list of Lent sacrifices, going from the person who gave up alcohol when he stopped on an impressive couple.
"Saint Peter!!!!", He called. "This couple decided to give up Subway's flatbread for Lent. Grab a golden star out of the desk and put it near their names in the book of life!" Yes, that's exactly how it went.

Leash Kids and the Future of Child Rearing

I was in the mall one day, and I thought that I saw a lady walking around the mall with a dog on a leash. At first, i was wondering when the mall allowed pets in, but as I walked closer I noticed that it wasn't a dog at all; it was her child. After the my first sighting of a tether kid, I began to see more and more of these kids when I went out to public places.

My question is why would a parent tether their child with a harness when they could just hold their hand like the old days? However, parents who buy these tether harnesses are funding the companies who make them, which in turn is allowing them to produce even better child safety products that help parents ease the pain of child rearing. Next month, a company is releasing the "Shocking Love" electric play fence for toddlers. The fence will shock your toddler with wonderful love every time he touches the walls or tries to go over or around them.

Another company is releasing a product named "Kiddies." The product is a small, green, edible bone that cleans the child's teeth upon chewing. No more having to spend time with your child by having to help him brush his teeth. And to think, none of these fantastic advances could be possible without the child tethering harness or child leash.

Terrible Cliches: There Must Be Something in the Water

To begin, I must admit that cliches, generally, are annoying. I can't stand when someone uses one of these stock phrases to take up time and their breath. The following is a rant about one such cliche. I was at work the other day with two pregnant girls on the shift with me. A customer came through the line, noticing the protruding bellies of my two co-workers, and made the remark "There must be something in the water, huh?" I gave him a forced and fake laugh, and he left. But, then I really thought about exactly what he had said. What could possibly be in the water that is making women pregnant here? Seeing that there is only one thing that makes women pregnant, I wondered if he knew that his cliche use suggested that semen was in the water at Subway. Really dude. You think there is semen in the water at Subway?

Which makes me now remember that my coworkers were walking on there hands a few months ago, holding a cup with one of their feet, and pouring our water in their vagina. So, Mr. Subway Customer, you are right in thinking that there is something in the water.

How to Tell When Your Relationship is Turning into a Relationshit

Some people think that it is endearing and "cute" for a couple to sit on the same side of a booth or table at a restaurant. They look at them and immediately think "Awwww, they just want to be closer to their significant other." However, this is a clear sign of a relationshit.

This is what really happens in boothsharing. Person A asks person B if he can sit on the same side of the booth as person B. Person B thinks, "Awww, they just want to be close to me because they love me blah blah blah blah." WRONG. Not only is he tired of having to nod his head and act interested when listening to her stories, Person A is sick and tired of looking at Person B's face to the point that he will surely projectile vomit his food all over the floor, creating a putrid slip N' slide of grossity, if he has to eat while looking at her.

So remember, next time your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to share a booth with you, you have began the transition from relationship to relationshit.